Worst day of my life

I don't know how you guys deffine your worst days.

For me it is today, I have been through a lot of pain and problems during my life, but can you believe that yet i am 29 and now I am having the worst day ever.

What I am through now, some people would call panic attack, some others would call it heart attack (which of course i don't think so since i have almost been there amnytimes), whatever the name of this case it is clearly the worst ever...

It is kind of a day that you wish you are no longer exist, it is kind of a day that you really wish to be vanaished from the world with no trace, this is where i am now.

Of course some people wouldn't understand what the hell that makes someone feel like this, so to be clear i don't want to go into details, I just want to say that today I am having problem can't be ever solved or crossed over.

However, I have seen it walking by and yet I blinked my eyes on it, I have felt that it is coming and yet couldn't take an action, at a certine time i thought this would be god well, and now i would say if there is god then it isn't his well, it is his ultimate punishment.

I am trying to talk to someone but no one around, I am trying to reach for help but yet it is so far, and now I have reached that to the conclusion that someone or help won't do any good anymore, I am byond asking for help or even for someone to talk to about it.

Humanbeing is a very funny creature, somehow your unconsiouse mind controlls your actions toward the hole, meanwhile your mind is trying to drive you the opposit side, of course you can blame your uncounsiouse level as much as you want, but eventully one truth stands still, you are in the hole and you are alone.

Now if we assume that god somehow, somewhere exists then this uncounsiouse level is his part of us, controlled and dominated by him.

Well, if this is the case then we have another problem bigger than mine too, it is the fact that he controlls some of your action and punish you for it, and this is would be totally unfair, lah???

Anyway, I guess at all cases the result is still the same, I am facing the worst day ever of my life, and by my bare hands I caused loosing the most people I love and respect.

That wasn't supposed to happen, I was waiting for the table to turn over, but it didn't, I was waiting for the miracle to happen, but the miracles time is over long time ago, so now nothing left but me, hole, and myself...
Go figure